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Charlotte K Stewart

Writer, Reader, Knitter, Artist

Things will be Okay-ish

There has been a lot of bad around here in recent months. I can’t get into it, that’s how bad it’s been. To write it should help me, but it doesn’t.

What does help is knowing that, after several months of never ending bad, a few things are looking up. Enough that I can knit a little again, and enjoy some of my buddies’ auto race endeavors, and feel like I’m not slacking off in the friend department, and like my medications and medical care are going to be okay enough to get by again, at least for the short term.

I can’t think about the long term tonight, but I need to focus on being grateful, and for appreciating what is good today.

 

It started with one toothache 

March 19th, I had just hung up from a phone call with my baby sister. While fiddling around, getting ready for bed, I noticed the soreness. The distant ache that creeps toward the front, begging for more and more attention. The irritation you know has been there intermittently for a while, but that you had pushed aside, figuring maybe that’s the next small cavity that will require a filling next time you see the dentist. You hope that’s all it is. But, when it shoots down your jawline into your neck and wakes you from a dream about your fantasy guy, and keeps you awake thinking about how you might have to call the dentist when the office opens at 8:00, reality sinks in,

It started this way. One tooth, one pain. It became something much more painful, and something quite costly, in numerous ways.

I’ll have to continue to share more about it later, though; I have an appointment at my oral surgeon’s office this afternoon. We are buddies (and no, I’d never even been to one before this circus started).

Info: Free Creative Writing Course

Doing my first reblog/share. Hope it shows up correctly.

FREE Creative Writing Course

http://colleenchesebro.com/2017/05/10/free-creative-writing-course/

Fed Up

I’m stuck in a nightmare from which I cannot wake. My pain and illnesses are beyond anything imaginable, and more things keep piling on. I can’t do this alone. I am falling apart. 

Can things get ANY worse? Yes.

Never even think the question to yourself, because breathing life to the thought brings it into existence. Though I’ve heard it before, it continues to happen. No sooner are things so bad they feel almost impossible, then something even harder and more impossible comes up. It keeps happening, unstoppably.

My cough has finally ceased, for the first time since the last week of November. But, several bad things have happened since Christmas. A few are not getting better. Some of them are only deteriorating, and I’m not sure how to push through it all.

I keep knitting when I’m up to it, writing when I can focus my brain for thirty minute chunks, and generally sleeping or worrying the rest of the time.

I’m trying so hard to be positive, but it is harder to do that than ever.

 

 

Are you on Ravelry?

I joined the day after my birthday, several years ago, when you still had to request a membership. I think it was still in a “beta” phase, though it already seemed large and hopping by the time I was extended a join code.

When I get too overwhelmed by life or other things, I peruse patterns. I look at lovely yarns and the delicious feast of colors and textures others have chosen. I admire the skill and time they have put into projects that seem too complicated for me to even attempt.

It seems I go through phases. I’ll have a phase of wanting to get super-organized. I’ll add a needle or two from my supplies, or click on the button to mark patterns I hope to try. Occasionally, I’ll stash some yarn or post a project I started. I am not great about getting it all on there, from beginning to end. The library of actual books that I added is mostly lost in boxes from a move I made over five years ago, and I’m bitter about that entire thing. I want my hands on my resources, especially now that I’m knitting again after a multi-year hiatus for medical reasons.

I have newer things to add to my “notebook” on the site; I want to make that a goal for this year. I actually want my needles, yarns and books that are ON my real bookshelf… listed on Ravelry. I want to post projects from cast on to bind off, with some photographic evidence of my time and efforts. I am going to work on this, BIG TIME, in the upcoming weeks.

Groups and forums are another animal, completely. I’ve joined and left several, over the years. I’m active in one or two, again sort of in phases. Currently, there are a few who message or write from time to time. It’s nice to have a little sense of connectivity within the largeness of the overall site (it’s HUGE).

 

Sickness and Pain Suck the Life From Me

I barely have the energy to type this, let alone come up with a title for my post. I’ve been sick since just after Thanksgiving, in addition to my chronic and on-going conditions. Add to that a toothache/infection, tummy issues from medicine, and a migraine. I’m beat, I’m exhausted, and I’m miserable.

When I feel so down and have so much pain going on that I annoy myself, the last thing I want to do is vent or burden anyone I care about, least of all my best friend. We talk almost every single day, and I love her for being there for me. And, it’s important to me, to be there for her in return. I feel I’ve been extra moody and needy lately, and that, as a result, perhaps I haven’t been the support she needs or would like to have, at least some of the time. I hope I can get better soon, partly so I can hold up my end of the friendship.

Knitting is something that helps me get through things. I have been doing more of it again, the past several months. I signed up for a little class, which is my first time doing such a thing. I want to write a story about that, but the gist is that it’s the teacher/shop owner, five other women, and me knitting in a yarn store for a few hours for two Fridays. I learned a few things in my first class session. I am much more the listener and observer, not the sharer. I learned how to make a button hole, which is difficult for me with extra-limited use of my left hand. I know how to make cables in my knitting, which is not as complex as it seems. I hate chaos and noise, especially when I need to count and keep track of stitches and rows while learning new skills. I enjoyed the class, and actually learning some new things that will be useful in future projects. I hope I’m healthy enough to get to the second class.

I have been writing daily, for the most part, but this week I’ve deleted more than I’ve kept. My main WIP became two WIPs in the last month, and I have a new writing buddy/accountability partner with whom I’ve been corresponding. We are learning how to support each other, and what works as far as what we share, or how to share without risking offending each other (I think?); it’s a process.

Losing Drafts– please help?

I’m trying to post here more, which means using the phone sometimes. I spent an hour writing a post today. Then, the cursor jumped back toward the top, not allowing me to edit my last paragraph (which I planned to do, then I was going to add a photo and publish).

Though I’d seen that my draft was saved, before the jump and freezing occurred, I closed the app and opened again. I’ve searched and can’t find “drafts” anywhere.

Can anyone please point me in the right direction? I’m on an iPhone, using the WordPress app. Most things are easy enough to figure out, but I do have pneumonia (and fever brain). Thanks.

Things Have Been Tough

I have had a challenging few months, and it doesn’t seem to be easing up at all. I’m carving out a few minutes here and there to write, though it seems it isn’t up to my usual personal standards.

I did complete a few knitting projects for late-Autumn and Christmas gifts. My energy has slowed down since mid-December. I keep going, but I’m not sure how or why most days.

Things are going on in several areas of my life regarding my family (and their medical stuff), my friends and their families, and my own health. It’s stressful, and I’ve had more limited means than normal to get out and sit somewhere else, or even to go grab a spot at Starbucks or Panera, just for a different ambience.

Here is a sample of what’s occurred:

-Cat swallowed a 3-foot piece of white curling ribbon (used in gift wrapping) and required emergency surgery, $$$$, meds, a few trips back and forth to the vet hospital, and has now had the stitches out (belly is still bald but beginning to grow fur back, slowly).

-Mother to ER and hospital on Dec. 30th, admitted, stayed inpatient through Jan. 1st. Long story, and precarious, unresolved medical problems.

-My long-time friend’s father had a stroke on Christmas Day, then he died this weekend. Calling hours tonight, funeral tomorrow. Friend wants me there, and I’d like to be there for said friend. I can’t, due to distance, money, medical obstacles.

-Bronchitis, doc appointments, urgent care, more doc visits, pleurisy, x-rays, pneumonia, breathing treatments… one month+ and counting of being sick myself, dragging around, wearing on what were already raw and shaky nerves through all of the holidays, and likely through my upcoming birthday. Tons of fun right here.

-Last night/today/tomorrow is 18 long years since a pivotal and horrific event in my life. I’m struggling. It’s always a tough few dates to get through; this year seems harder than most. I want to ask for what I need, which is impossible when I’m not even sure what that would be.

I’m around, I’m trying to stay upbeat and positive…

 

 

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